It's strange how reading my last post seems so foreign to me.. not foreign in the way that it doesn't sound like me, it does.. It just doesn't really apply to the space I'm in right now anymore. I came back from a visit "home" yesterday and I swear I don't ever feel like going back. I mean, I will, of course and I will probably feel differently in a few days even once the toxicity begins to wear off. Right now I am prickly as hell about it all. Everyone wants to fight - or bitch - about everyone else. I heard 10 different versions of the same stories, I don't care to be involved. Then I find out that I am involved even if I don't participate. People make stuff up just to bitch about me... god... anyway I don't want any of them to go away, I jsut want time to pass and for everyone to heal a little more. Life is pretty fucked right now.

Two days before my mom died when she was laying there, hardly able to speak at all, she said to my sister and I not to fight with each other, and always be fair, to share... and here we are FUCKING that up. Squabbling about nothing and everything. It's like she was the peacekeeper and without her we're just a bunch of old hens trying to figure out who's the weakest one so we can pick that one's eyes out. I want to honer my mom.. I want to keep my gossip-hole shut, but I don't feel like I even have the option when the first thing anyone does when they see me is say "So what is HE saying about me now???"... jeeze... I should just stay away. And then there would be something to bitch about me about, and it wouldn't even be made up...

Luckily all rotatiing apathy and aggression evened itself out on the immediate homefront. My feelings for my girlfriend kinda went back to where they were suppose to be. Love.. happy to be home with her when I am... able to laugh again. I was pretty worried there for a while. Now when I am pissed about the house being messy I jsut say some mean shit about living in a pigsty and let it go.. or go load the dishwasher. That seems to be one thing I can manage. I'm really glad we didn't break up over stupid shit. I hear that other Aquariuses do this too - go cold from time to time. I don't like it when it's happening but it seems like I can't stop. Anger wells up inside and I feel so distant from all of humanity. I'm not saying that my mental state is all hunky-dory now, I'm just saying that the aggression is gone and its' good to be back in a place of love, laughter and hope.