It seems like I only post when I'm feeling overly dramatic. Today I am here just to ad the flickr badge in the sidebar. It's quite cool. (look, I said something positive) It actually uses my pictures. All of those tiny pictures are mine. Neat. It's flash animated and I got to pick all the colors and everything. ANYWAY... It's my fotoblog, and there I am not always ready to slit my wrists.

I feel 90. I feel like everything and everyone that I know is gone. I feel like I am waiting for it all to end - and there's not much of a chance for things to perk up.

I love my girlfriend, totally. I love the few asorted friends I have left, somewhat... when I'm not busy hating them anyway. I love my cats but not as much as my cat who died a couple years ago. Not as much as I loved my cat when I was a kid, Muma Kitty.

The world just isn't the same. It's no longer technocolor. It's not bright. No yellows and reds and oranges contrasting with browns and blues, just grey.. dirty grey and flecks of broken color. Colors like shards of glass, teasing and hinting at happiness, then slicing the flesh.

I was amazed when I noticed for the first time that sand had thousands of different colors in it. I started at it for a good hour in complete amazment. Each little peice, a tiny rock the size of a grain of salt. - But now I think of that and it scares me a little bit. Each grain of sand was once part of something larger, maybe even a mountain or a great cliff. Look at it now. One tiny speck in a sea of many tiny specks. Each as alike as they are different. How does the lowly peice of sand deal with the fact that he fell from a place of greatness? How does one go from being a mountain to being an insignificant speck of nothingness?

Do I feel insignificant? I suppose so... But my overwhelming emotion is sorrow. I look at old pictures and I miss my family so much. My Mom... It's so hard to live without her. Every day my heart breaks anew. My grandma... my other grandma, for a long time I felt was the only person who understood me or loved me unconditionally, my aunts and uncles, all dead... my dog, dead. My cats, dead, so much of my life is just gone.

So here I am. I'm sure anyone from the ouside would say, and not without reason, that I need to move on. Create a new family, make new friends, keep in touch with old friends, whatever.. they are all good ideas and all are ideas that are impossible to me right now. I just want things to be back the way they should be.

How am I suppose to just accept that my mom, my world, is burried? Gone from me forever? How am I suppose to survive? AND WHY, WHY WOULD I WANT TO????????

I love my girlfriend, my dad, my sister and brothers... but all that love can't fill the darkness. It fills me, and it's threatening to overspill.

I don't understand why I'm feeling like puking right now. I just called someone I haven't talked to in years, like since I was 19 or somthing, I used to have a crush on her... then I saw something on ebay that was always this elusive thing she was looking for, so I called her to tell her it was there. I feel sick. I heard her voice and that's all it took to make me want to hurl. My stomach is all sour. I don't want her, don't like her... don't want anything from her, yet here I sit feeling really shakey.

We're strange, us humans...

very strange.