Gotta shake it off.

I know I'm not living right. I know damn well if my mom were here she'd tell me that I need to keep living. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it were her, she'd be sewing and taking yogo lessons and learning to woodcarve and painting pumpkins and making time to drink tea with friends.. and I know I need to snap out of the funk. I wish I had some idea HOW. I don't know how to even want to do anything, I just want to sleep or eat or watch tv, anything else sounds emotionally draining.

We went to the bar for halloween and even that was so boring to me. It really was. I looked at all the people and they're so young or so happy - and so not interesting to me. The alchohol did nothing for me.. the ambiance, nothing.. the music, nothing...

I just don't care anymore.

I wish I could shake it off. I have too - somehow. If I'm just here waiting for that ultimate train to come pick me up I sure as fuck should be able to find something more interesting to do then sit and stare at the tracks. I mean, I'm not gonna miss it! For sure.

Maybe I do need paxil or wellbutrin or topomax or whatever - maybe I should just surrender.
*sigh*