blather blather, ruminate, ruminate
The hardest lesson I've ever learned, or am in the process of learning, is that life continues to change. No matter what.
Every single day is different than every other day. Every state of being is temporary.
I try and try to wrap my noggin around this, and continue to have issues with it. If nothing is going to ever stay the same, why do we try to achieve anything? Why do we try so hard if it, too, is going to go poof and vanish?
It's for those moments, I guess. Is it all for the good moments, for the amazing moments, for the moments where our feelings and emotions take us outside of the mundane?
Is it all for a chance at happiness?
Happiness.
I guess that is the goal. However fleeting. However temporary.
There are no gaurentees. No real stability. No promises. None. Zero.
My thoughts are so fragmented right now. I'm just marinating and marinating and marinating some more.
It upsets me that some things are not permanent. It upsets me that life is not permanent. It upsets me that I can't be in control.
I think my sister is really lucky that she has faith. It would be nice to believe that someone is in control that truly loves and cares about me. It would be so amazing to be able to just sigh a big sigh of relief, and no longer feel alone or lost or confused.
But, fuck. You can't just believe what you don't believe. Believe me, I've tried.
Every single day is different than every other day. Every state of being is temporary.
I try and try to wrap my noggin around this, and continue to have issues with it. If nothing is going to ever stay the same, why do we try to achieve anything? Why do we try so hard if it, too, is going to go poof and vanish?
It's for those moments, I guess. Is it all for the good moments, for the amazing moments, for the moments where our feelings and emotions take us outside of the mundane?
Is it all for a chance at happiness?
Happiness.
I guess that is the goal. However fleeting. However temporary.
There are no gaurentees. No real stability. No promises. None. Zero.
My thoughts are so fragmented right now. I'm just marinating and marinating and marinating some more.
It upsets me that some things are not permanent. It upsets me that life is not permanent. It upsets me that I can't be in control.
I think my sister is really lucky that she has faith. It would be nice to believe that someone is in control that truly loves and cares about me. It would be so amazing to be able to just sigh a big sigh of relief, and no longer feel alone or lost or confused.
But, fuck. You can't just believe what you don't believe. Believe me, I've tried.
posted by Kari at
1:50 PM
2 Comments:
I like analogies... they help make uncomfortable things more comfortable.
Every state of being is temporary... true. However, like a river, the water in any given area is always changing... the river is a constant. The rate of change is what's important.
You ask why we try to achieve 'things'.... I find a basic flaw in not only your question... but the greater concept. To Me it seems as if the achievement is your goal... when in actuality, you achieve more by making the process of achievement part of the journey. Achievement isn't an ending point, it's a merely a point of reference for where you are in your journey.
I reflexively respond to your comment about moments and feelings taking us outside the mundane. The flood of emotion I feel at that makes effective communication more difficult. First, nothing *takes* you anywhere... you either go or you don't. To imply otherwise implies a base level of powerlessness that is beyond the capability of virtually any human-being (except some of the greats in the metaphysical studies i.e.: the Dali Lama, Gandhi, Buddha, etc.)
Also, those moments provide nothing more than an ego stroke, viewing an achievement as the end of something feeds your ego and prevents you from learning.
Stability, happiness, goals, guarantees, promises... these things are illusions and concepts that block your already struggling to grow soul. Think deeper, experience things just for the process.
One analogy I like, that relates to this, is (oddly enough) making a cake.
Gathering the ingredients = little sensations (good, bad, and everything in between)experienced in gathering items, measuring things, cracking eggs (poor eggs!), finding the 'right' bowls... shiny forks, bendy mixing tools, loud mixer... fluffy flour, on and on and on....
Mixing the ingredients = smelling the sweetness, feeling the softness of the flour, seeing the color change, watching the individual turn to a whole... a "whole" being the sun of it's parts...
Preparing the pan = taking something empty and filling it up, watching the batter flow across the pan, consuming the pan, hiding the pan.. poor pan.
Baking the cake = transformation of a liquid to a solid.. Where are the eggs now? Smelling the cake. Feeling the heat through the pot holder.
Where does this process ends? When you have eaten the cake? No. After you have digested the cake? No. You hold the memory of the cake... where are those eggs now?
Do you see the journey? It is in all things... all answers... all "achievements". Was making the cake an "achievement" ? No, it was just another step.
You have a spirituality. Perhaps you have just not become ready to bring it out and look closely at it? What do you believe in?
I believe in you.
Always we hope
Someone else has the answer,
Some other place will be better,
It will all turn out.
This is it.
No one else has the answer.
No other place will be better,
And it has already turned out.
At the center of your being
You have the answer;
You know who you are
And you know what you want.
There is no need
To run outside
For better seeing
Nor to peer from a window.
Rather abide
At the center of your being;
For the more you leave it
The less you learn.
Search your heart
And see
The way to do
Is to be.
- Lao Tzu
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