ramblings

i've had no time to post
i've had no time to think or write
i've had no time for nuthin'
except a little tv, thanks to tivo, late late at night

my sister called me just now
because dad is not doing well
i dont know what to do
because, truth be told, there's nothing to do

i said to my dad
i don't know, maybe it's time to pray
and he said
yeah, look where that got us the last time we tried it

hahahahaahhaha hahahahaha oh god
we shouldn't laugh at that
but....
hahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahha

the last time, by the way, was circling my mom
with the pastor, before she died

and why am i laughing?

because irreverence makes shitty things funny
and i guess i get that from my dad

but i don't suppose I'll do much praying
because it doesn't seem to work

and it feels like begging
and im not gonna beg any more
ever
the time for that has passed
if there ever was a time for that

and i'm not saying there's not a God
how on earth could I know that?

but i am saying that trying to bargain
trying to plea
trying to ask nicely
doesn't really get the job done

in fact, it never seems to end well, at all

when i saw my mom, as she slipped from this world to the next
she was smiling, her hair was blowing,
she was radiating joy joy joy from every bit of her
glowing really, so very happy, so much relief
i could feel the relief with every ounce of me

but there weren't any angels, that i could see
with golden harps or scrolls with lists of names

so i don't suppose i'll have these answers til I get there myself

but im so scared for dad

because i think we're a lot alike

and i don't blame him a bit, if he has to excuse himself from this world

although i hope he doesn't

because it's so hard
so hard
SO HARD
to let go
and im so not ready to be all alone

and i think he can find reasons to live
and even as i say this i doubt myself
because the price is right and sugar free jello
just isn;t enough

i can't imagine it being enough for anyone,
but i know it isn't enough for him
because, you know, we're a lot alike