Work is so kicking my ass today. 2 out of the three people in my department are on vacation. Normally that wouldn't happen but they are partners, so the bosses make an exception and let them take vacations together. It's ROUGH to be me. I keep eating bad shit I shouldn't eat - im stressing bad. I think I need to leave for a while but I doubt that I should.

GAAA

I hate deadlines like this.

I never really appreciate my family, until I do. Like, something will hit me, about how alike we are in weird ways. We're all so drastically different on the surface. I called my sister and told her I did something really weird. In fact, I thought it was one of the weirdest things I'd ever done - and she didn't bat an eyelash. Well I don't REALLY know that since it was on the phone, but she didn't seem to. She said that it didn't sound that weird. Okay, thats enough suspense. I had one of those baby watermelons ya know, like the size of a grapefruit. And I was hungry. In my truck. I didn't have a knife... and I BIT through the skin, and peeled it with my teeth and ate it. It was delicious but I got juice all over me and then... then I did something truly freaky in my opinion... i rubbed the rind on my face and it felt great! Until it got sticky anyway.. ok, I told you it was weird. Almost psycho. I don't know why I rubbed it on my face. I know I ripped into it like that because I was hungry and didn't have a knife, but there isn't much of an excuse for eating a watermelon like an animal then rubbing it on yourself. I thought that before I did it and then realized I am an animal, so fuck it...

right?

Friday Morning UnHaiku-like Haikus

squeaky grass sparkling
autumn is moving in fast
the morning air knows

green apple soda
only the best pop ever
stolen from the fridge

so gas is three bucks
how excited can I get
broke is not so bad

my truck lurched and belched
does this mean i fucked it up
i really hope not

rotten tomatoes
pretty much all I have left
that and two green ones

instant messages
from babbling men like baboons
who don't get I'm gay

Someone told me yesterday that we need to force ourselves to be who we want to be. It's not just a matter of chance. People arn't nessesarily born happy or cheerful or positive. I'm not sure how I feel about this revelation. I feel like I once was cheery.. and even as I say this I have to laugh at how fucking bogus it is. I remember feeling like my world was right, that's the truth... but I also remember bawling my eyes out every day of my life, even when my world felt right. As beautiful as the baby chicks were when they were born, there was always the next morning when a couple of them would be dead from freezing to death or being trampled, who knows what else. They're shocky. Sometimes they just die. And kittens, kittens dying is a part of life. I know this... sometimes one is born dead or dies right after. Sometimes and owl will decapitate a baby kitten. Somtimes tom cats eat them, sometimes cows step on them. Somtimes cats will eat your baby rabbits. Sometimes, if you run something over or if it's in pain, the RIGHT thing to do is to chop it's head off with a shovel. I understand all of this and it still doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve a teardrop or two.

I think what I got out of Susan's comment yesterday, overall, is that I need to seek out the baby chicks, kittens, and bunnies that live. The ones that make my tears dry up. It doesn't mean the crying's done, because that would just be bullshit. The crying will never be done, but I should probably make an effort to seek out a little joy with my pain.

maybe I should start by changing the color of my blog, to something a little less pitiful than black.. I realize black isn't always pitiful, but I know what my intention was when I used it...