HaPpY?

Thanksgiving was good - we had a whooole lotta pie. Then I got up and had another peice of pumpkin pie. It's just so good, and you only get it once or twice a year. I gave my brother most of the leftover Pecan, so at least thats out of the house. It's a good idea to give food away when you're stuffed and don't care about it.

ok, well, I'm bored already.... so.. bye then.. :}

Wha whaaa wha wha whaaa wha.

I am actually not motivated to say anything right now, but I need a break from work. Everyone is so worked up about our deadlines that I can't just sit here and surf, or they'd know I wasn't working - see, this way they hear me typing like crazy and assume I'm working like a fiend. MUHAHAAHHHAAA MUHAHAHAHA AAAA A MUHAHAHAHAAAA.

Yeah.. well, it'd be more fun if I had something to say.

I have nothing to say. Ok, I will give it up then,......

Things I have to do in the next 2 days:


1) Bake buns, and lemon merange pies.

2) Go to a thrift store and find my brother some jeans. Size 40 x 36.

3) Finish 13 pridesource ads... gaaa ... and get them approved. It will be a miricle if I can get them all approved in 2 days.

4) Get gas.

5) Figure out how broke I am. Make a budget to get Christmas/Birthday presents bought.

6) Wash some clothes. My sweatshirt has something grose on the sleeve.

7) Recharge my batteries so they will be fresh in case anything picture worthy presents itself at Thanksgiving.

I guess thats it. I can handle it. I can get number 4 taken care of tonight, and maybe even #6 if I don't stay here til
midnight working on number 3.

:}

Hmm.

Okay, well, I was kinda joking in my last post - but I do sort of feel like I am soaring on seagull wings... really. I went to my therapist last night and she asked me how the new drugs were making me feel. I told her that I didn't want to admit that I felt better, because obviously it's all in my head, the drugs couldn't work THAT fast. She then told me, I was wrong - and that it isn't a seratonin re-uptake inhibitor like paxil or prozak, and that for a lot of people Wellbutrin does work really fast. I was sort of happy (of course I was happy) to know that I wasn't making it all up. But anyway, I've been freakishly cheerful, like smiling and singing in my truck. This is NOT NOTMAL..... for me anwyay. ANd the side effects, if they can be called side effects, make me feel like I'm on speed all the time. I have NO appitite, and when I do crave something I eat about 3 bites and I am so done with it. There are some bad things tho, I can't sleep, I keep waking up all the time, like my arm will rub on something and it wakes me up. That's not too good...
but the speedy side effect just makes me think, who needs sleep?? Sleeping's for chumps!!!! !!! !!! yes, and I want to ad a few more !!!!!!! ! !!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!!! exclaimation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wellbutrin

Well it looks like I am gonna jump on the medication bandwagon. We'll see, maybe my next five posts will be about the glory and wonder of life and how babies faces sparkle in the moonligt and make me soar on seagull wings... we'll see.

The doctor, in my opinion, is weird & anal, and doesn't really seem to give a shit about what I am saying. Not that I mind really, she ponied up the drugs without much hesitation which is always a plus. I mean, I was all like "so what do you think of xanax", and she was like "Yeah, I can give you some if you want to try it..." . Woah. Does she not know I could sell it for $10 a pop? NOt that I plan on it... I don't.

But it was just weird. She sat there adjusting her lane bryant catalog salmon colored, too short stetch pants, pulling them out of the crack of her ass...

and I was sort of like, wow...

we're all fucked up - no, really...

so sure, give me the drugs, and if you want me to make an ad for you, I'll do that.

Do you see what I mean? It's like, we're all just here in the big clump, this big mess, this big mishmash of humanity. We all have moments where we have to pick the stretch pants out of our asses, although I do try to keep those moments to a minimum or at least limit them when I'm not at home.

hrmmphh. Xaaanex, get your Xannnnex.

tiny yellow inspiration

its funny how the simple sight
of a tiny yellow butterfly
maybe not even a butterfly, perhaps a moth
can lift my spirits so wonderfully high
that she steals my breath and
inspires me,
and helps me notice the chilly wind
on my cheek and the fact that the leaves
are pretty much gone
flitting around in the tree and to the ground
she beats her wings like there is no wind
and no branches, and no birds to eat her
she beats her wings like she has somewhere to go
like she's late for a ball
or to give a speech and accept an award
on moth equality and butterfly rights
she beats her wings like she's been inspired
by the chill in the air and the falling leaves
and the bluest blue the sky could be
she reminds me of life as she flits around me

inside my head

her laugh still rings inside my head
her freckles
the green flecks in her eyes
her voice telling me she'll always love me
her hair when it was long and soft
and when it was short and prickly
and growing out over and over

things she told me ring inside my head
like, do it anyway
and life isn't fair
and all of the things she said that made her her
and made her stay with us
so many years after they said
she would go any time

images of her replay inside my head
the last seconds of her in that hospital bed
her fingers turning blue
the rattle of death
wet eyelashes and dry lips
and the dream I had that morning
where her smile was big and hair was blowing
and each freckle stood out with impossible clarity

last words from her live in my head
haunting me because i didn't always know what she said
her sad look when I didn't understand
over and over she tried
until she knew there was no use
the garbled words come back in nightmares
begging me to understand

thoughts of her thrive in my head
from perfect moments to perfect dread
sparkling Christmas moments mixed
with screaming, sobbing, searing sadness
all as clear as an imax movie
with 3d glasses
always thunderingly loud and 8 stories tall

Gotta shake it off.

I know I'm not living right. I know damn well if my mom were here she'd tell me that I need to keep living. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it were her, she'd be sewing and taking yogo lessons and learning to woodcarve and painting pumpkins and making time to drink tea with friends.. and I know I need to snap out of the funk. I wish I had some idea HOW. I don't know how to even want to do anything, I just want to sleep or eat or watch tv, anything else sounds emotionally draining.

We went to the bar for halloween and even that was so boring to me. It really was. I looked at all the people and they're so young or so happy - and so not interesting to me. The alchohol did nothing for me.. the ambiance, nothing.. the music, nothing...

I just don't care anymore.

I wish I could shake it off. I have too - somehow. If I'm just here waiting for that ultimate train to come pick me up I sure as fuck should be able to find something more interesting to do then sit and stare at the tracks. I mean, I'm not gonna miss it! For sure.

Maybe I do need paxil or wellbutrin or topomax or whatever - maybe I should just surrender.
*sigh*