Fat Fat the Water Rat

I'm feeling fed up with people's assumptions about me. I'm feeling fed up with my own assumptions about myself. So many people believe that they know everything about me because of my size. It sucks so much to be a woman allready and deal with what people think of you right out of the box, and then when you add a few layers of fat on top of it - wow - hang on to your ass, because a good 90 percent of people out there assume you're a peice of shit. I'm not feeling articulate right now. I'm feeling crazy and a little off.

I just wanted to share this quote: It's not by me:

"We’re not giving up, and we’re not letting ourselves go. Rather we’re forging a new relationship with our bodies, one that doesn’t involve self-loathing, one that appreciates the miraculous bodies we have, one that brings joy." -Mary Ray Worley



*sigh* and then there's the voice that says, "you really should lose weight, you'd feel better, you'd look better, you'd be ab le to live a more full life, full of love and happiness, full of friends, full of time to be, full of time to laugh and cry and rejoice"

and then I think... RIIIIGHHHTT... losing weight is gonna do all that. Uh huh.

Here is what it really would do. It'd make me be able to do more physically like shop longer before I need to stop, and it'd help me look more acceptable in my clothes.

Those are not bad things, but they're a far cry from a life filled with love and happiness. I'm upset today. I'm not sure why. Feelin' like a water rat and not liking it at all - yet defending my right to exist just like I am. Arrrghgghghghgghhh..

Sad.. sad.. sad.
:(

Funky (But Not in A Bad Way) Music Morning

Puff the Magic Dragon: Peter Paul and Mary

"One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came not more, and Puff that mighty dragon he ceased his fearless roar, his head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain, Puff no longer went to play along the Cherry Lane. Without his lifelong friend Puff could not be brave so Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped inside his cave..."

Oh my GOD this song is sad. Really, really, really sad. I think its sort of symbolic of our lives. Maybe not everyone's lifes... but I can totally identify with Puff. I still haven't figured out how we are suppose to recover after having such perfect and intense loves, and then having them ripped from us. Poor us. Poor Puff. Living forever would fucking suck.

If Heaven: Andy Griggs

If heaven was an hour, it would be twilight
When the fireflies start their dancin on the lawn
And suppers on the stove and Mamma's laughin
And everybodys workin day is done

If heaven was a town it would be my town
On a summer day in 1985
And everything i wanted was out there waiting
And everyone i loved was still alive

Dont cry a tear for me now baby
There comes a time we must all say goodbye
And if thats what heavens made of
You know i ain't afraid to die


MOTHER FUCKER... this ain't even right to wright songs like this. The first time I heard it almost drove off the road bawling and then I had to download it and listen to it another, lets see, 78 times according to iTunes. I'd love for it it to be 1985. Even my grandma would still be here. All of them, actually... damn this song kicks my ass.

Song that Ripped my Heart out Once Upon a Time, A LONG LONG time ago.

Untouchable Face, ani difranco

Think I'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want nobody to follow me
'Cept maybe you
I could make you happy you know
If you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
And I do

Tell you the truth I prefer
The worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it but
You're perfect together

So fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
Bet you can't even tell me that much

Okay I know this song made me sad once.. but I hardly get it now, because the she I was thinking of is pretty much just a memory of a feeling. Thank God. That's quite cool though, isn't it, to have a sad song go happy. I jsut sorta think the beat is spunky now.. ;) Nice. This made my funky morning music list because it has such a history with my personal funk portfolio.

Turn Turn Turn! by the Byrds

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

This songs makes me wonder if we are put on this earth to get a good dose of the human experience, and then maybe our character is judged by how well we deal with it. Just one of those random ideas.. I mean, who on earth doesn't experience at one time or another the full range of human emotion? Some people don't... and honestly I feel sorry that they don't get that experience, even the bad stuff. Why? Because it makes us humans.. it makes us connected, it makes us alive.

But I do: by Frogman

I don't know why I love you but I do
I don't know why I cry so but I do
I only know I'm lonely and that I want you only
I don't know why I love you but I do

I can't sleep nights because I feel so restless
I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless
And since you've been away, I cry both night and day
I don't know why I love you but I do

My days have been so lonely
My nights have been so blue
I don't know how I manage, but I do

Each night I sit alone and tell myself
That I will fall in love with someone else
I guess I'm wastin' time but I've got to clear my mind
I don't know why I love you but I do

This songs rocks. It's honest. It's paying respect to all of those deeply in love who have no freaking idea why... and for those who can't seem to shake it.

Saginaw Michigan sang by Lefty Fritz,

written by Bill Anderson-Don Wayne

I was born in Saginaw Michigan I grew up in a house on Saginaw bay. My dad was a poor hard working Saginaw fisherman
Too many times he came home with too little pay. I loved a girl in Saginaw Michigan the daughter of a wealthy wealthy man But he called me that son of a Saginaw fisherman. Not good enough to claim his daughter's hand

I don't know why I love this song. Probably because it's about mid-michigan, and I also grew up on the Saginaw Bay.

Jackie De Shannon, What the World Needs Now is Love

What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.
What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb,
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last 'til the end of time.

What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.
What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another meadow,
There are cornfields and wheatfields enough to grow,
There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine,
Oh listen Lord, if you want to know...oh...

What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.
What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some oh but just for every, every, everyone.

What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love.
What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love.
What the world needs now,
Is love, sweet love.

I hear ya sister!!!!! Except.. we do need more meadows and wheat fields, too.. but I will cut her some slack since she wrote this song so long ago.


Well... I guess if I keep going I will have to change it to Afternoon instead of morning, so I will stop. . . I will spare you my comments on the other songs I listened to this morning, but here are what they are anyway.

Jackson 5, I'll be There
Amazing Grace, Jars of Clay
Who I am, Jessica Andrews *sob*
Willow, Joan Armatrading
Blowin' in the Wind, Joan Baez
and
Cat Stevens, Moon Shadow

*heavy sigh*

I know this isn't an original statement.. I'm not the first person to think it or say it or write about it, but isn't it scary that religion is so nessesary to comfort us about the fucked up ways we're living our lives?

How do we justify this rat race we're all participating in? How to we justify that we're all being played like a fiddle by people who stand to benefit from us believing that it's our time to be workerbees and that we should do our best for the people in charge, so we can earn a place in heaven where we can relax by a stream or spend time with our families and friends. How do we justify sitting on our asses for 10 hours a day and clicking a mouse and pretending that life is going to just go on and on and on, and how do we justify that we are giving our lives up to make someone else rich? How do we justify that to OURSELVES? Here we are, each and every one of us, with blood in our veins and air in our lungs, pretending that the average age to die, which is 63 years old, is either SOOO FAR AWAY or is not going to happen to us. I wish it were true. I wish all of my family and all of my friends would turn out to be the lucky ones that live to be much older, but at the same time I am a little sick of lying to myself. My life is just about half over right now. OKAY, yes, It's POSSIBLE I could live longer. Possible but not probable.

Here are some of the leading causes of cancer:

STRESS: Like when you listen to your bosses scream at each other all day. Like when you're scared of getting canned. Like when you're worried about money. Like when you feel guilty about all the things you're not doing, like visiting family. Like when you're stuck in rush hour. Like when you feel bad that you're eating another filet-a-fish from McDonald's. Like when you realize that you don't have time to work in your garden, trim the hedges, do the dish, wash clothes, AND watch desperate housewives.

FREE RADICALS: From carbonated beverages, from hydroginated oils, from almost every food that has been processed like french fries or donuts or tortilla chips. Free radicals occur whenever we eat any food, but foods with antioxidants will neutralize the free radicals before they can do much damage. Every time you choose to eat a meal that has no vegetables or fruits or unprocessed grains you are bombarding your system with little destroying agents. Cancer causing agents. Coney dogs taste great, but you better throw in a side salad. Seriously. Lettuce isn't just for rabbits anymore... even nasty ass iceburg lettuce has a healthy dose of antioxidants.

ELECTROMAGNETIC ENERGY and WIRELESS DEVICES: Guess what? The same wirless technology that is being used to make us faster and more efficient rats on our wheels is also cooking our fucking brain. Do you know how many people are developing brain cancer now as oppose to 50 years ago? Many people say it's increases as much as 500 percent in the past half decade. Why? SERIOUSLY, Cell phones, wireless internet, wireless mouses, bluetooth, remote controls, GIANT ELECTRICAL TOWERS everyfuckingware, car alarms, home alarms, sattilites... if you could pick up all of the action going on around you, you'd freak the hell out. Well I think our bodies are picking it up, and our cells are freaking the hell out. X-RAY techs have been wearing protective clothing for YEARS because it's a well known peice of scientific knowlege that these things are not harmless. You might want to think about this before you get that new star-treck looking wireless earpiece. DO YOU WANT IT BEAMED TO YOUR HEAD, SCOTTY?!

ENVIROMENTAL TOXINS: Meaning, smog, morning commute clouds, water laced with harmful chemicals and cholrine to neutralize the shit and everything else that people flush down their drains. The shit, actually, is the least scary... I'd be more scared of the chemicals we are washing our clothes and hair and dishes in.

MY whole point of this cancer tangent is this: we don't have long here anyway, so do you really want to use your time here making a fortune for someone else? WE DON'T GET TO LIVE THAT LONG!! The older I get the better a trailor in the woods sounds. I wish I could grow my own food, raise some chickens, notice when the treese start to lose their leaves for the summer and know that when my muscles ache it came from an honest day's work instead of from some rougue chemical additive to to the chicken nuggets that is affecting my body differently than it affected the monkeys in the labratory tests.

How is it that we just go on like this? You know what I tell myself sometimes? It's important to work hard while we're here, and someday we're going to have a chance to rest.. in heaven... we will be with family. We will laugh. We will eat good food and share it with friends. We will sing together, we'll dance together, we'll chase firefiles. We will hear the bullfrogs croaking again. We will see the stars sparkling in the sky. The little kids will be running and laughing and the bigger kids will be hanging from the trees. The adults will be outside too, in shorts and tee shirts with tall glasses of lemonade. Someone will be playing the guitar. Maybe Jesus. I can see him jamming out... long hair blowing back, birkenstocks on.... the party will go long into the night, and we will praise Jesus over and over because he is the one that saved us from ourselves.. saved us from the horrors of our lives...

and other times I feel like this, how I feel right now, and I want to cry, because life could actually be like that if we would all lay down the headsets and the handcuffs and the books about how to chase the cheese - if we could all just make our earth a little more like heaven, we would come a lot closer to loving our lives and maybe lasting more than 63 years. If only we could start over...

I don't want to wait until heaven to laugh again, and I don't want to keep telling myself that it's right to live in a way that creates so little joy. I want to seek out the bullfrogs, seek out my friends, and slow down long enough to watch the leaves fall from the sky.