Monday, June 26, 2006

Hmm

I need to do a little more traveling within the U.S., this is pitiful!! Maybe I should go somwhere on the 4th weekend, if we get everything done we get a 4 day weeked, whoooooo!

Too bad I'm broke and have a sick kitty... but I really do need to get some of those grey states under my belt.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Saturday Morning

There's no better time to be alive than on a Saturday morning. Two full days lie before me, without a commitment in the world. I could stay home and clean, I could go to the movies, I could go take photos of woodducks. Right now the whole world is mine...

I think I want to stay home and clean the house. Old school style - windows open, music blaring, get a TON done in a day kinda cleaning.

But first I want brunch, as all lesbians do. That's risky though, having a big carb laden brunch could change my motivation for the day completely. Maybe I will just fry up some bacon and have a blt. I bought the nicest tomatos at the grocery store last night, still on the vine, red and plump. Bright red orbs of perfection.

Funny how it all comes to me as I sit here. If I didn't conciously plan my weekend I'd feel like I wasted it, I mean, the plan can be to do nothing and that's not wasting it, but there has to be some sort of decision made on my part.

Ahh. Saturday.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sweet things...


I had a hard time sleeping last night. Nibbler was up, sitting in the doorway staring at me everytime I woke up. She's nocturnal so I doubt if it's anything to worry about, but it's still odd how she stares. Sweet little weirdo.

Today is the day my mom died 2 years ago.. the 20th.. it's a sad day. I miss her so much I can hardly bear it. But. I have to bear it. I do look forward to seeing her again, and my grandma, and all of the family I have that I don't even know. I've decided just to give in and be calmed, and believe that there is too much wonderful in this world for it to just end here. There are too many things unexplained, too many questions with partial answers, and just too many moments of awe for me to believe that we're just a sack of water and a jolt of electricity. There are too many moments of complete satisfaction, absolute wonderment and sweet perfection for it to be just one big coincidence. Even the gut wretching, shivering in the cold moments feel meaningful to me. I don't know.. and I won't know for a while.. but I can go with my hunch in the meantime.

On another note, the baby robins are getting big! This morning they were particularly frisky and cute. Well, one was trying to sleep, but the other two were very interested in the world. So cute. I wish I could kiss 'em.

Monday, June 19, 2006

nibbler, harry potter, and baby birdies


I keep praying for Nibbler, and all we can really do now is wait and see. I don't want to lie to myself and tell myself that we're out of the woods just yet - but I feel like she might be doing a little better. Her appitite is coming back slowly, if only for tunafish. Holding her down and syringing the tuna/amoxacillin combo in her mouth twice a day is quite trying. I wish I could let her know that it's for her own good. I love her so much.

Last night I had *ahem* use the bathroom about 6 times in the night, so I started rereading Harry Potter. The second book, actually, I think I lost the first one. I aready feel Harry Potter fever seeping back into my blood. I love those books.. Right now Harry and Ron just stole the enchanted muggle car of Ron's father, and flew it into the whomping tree. I only remember bits and peices of the books as I read them so it's truly like reading a new book each time. I didn't remember the first time I read it about each kid eating 6 bacon sandwiches for breakfast. I think I remember this time because I could really go for a bacon sandwich.

The baby birdies in the work tree are too cute for words. They are starting to get feathers. SOOO sweet.

Friday, June 16, 2006

God Wrote Me - thats not something that happens every day.

To My Precious Daughter Kari:

Because I knew even before I created the earth that you would accept My love for you, and that you would seek to know Me thus…

In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth. Then at the right time and in the right place I created you. I created your inner most being, I created every part of you, I knit you together in your mother's womb. You were carefully and wonderfully made; my works are wonderful, and you Kari are my work. My eyes saw your unformed body. All the days planned for you were written in my book before one of them came to be. How precious are my thoughts for you, How great is the number of them! If you were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

Listen to me; Kari I created you and have cared for you since before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime, until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. I will carry you in my arms, holding you close to my heart. For I know the plans that I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Kari there are some times of suffering in your life. But the temporary suffering of this life does not compare to the glory that shall be revealed in you. Know this that I am with you and I will help you. Your help comes from me, I am the God who created the heavens and the earth, and the one who created you. I will never leave you, I will never reject you. When your parents fail you I will pick you up, hold you close, and adopt you. Nothing can ever separate you from my love for you. When you are in trouble and distress my love is with you. When you are persecuted my love is with you. When you are hungry and cold and naked my love is with you, I am always with you. When you are in danger and threatened with death my love is with you, I will be with you forever.

Kari know that nothing can separate you from my love, no matter how high you go, no matter how deep you sink, nothing in life and not even death can separate you from Me, and My love for you. No demon or any other power in hell can separate you from my love. My love for you is revealed through Christ Jesus your Lord. In all things and every situation you will have victory, you will conquer, because the victory of Christ Jesus is your victory.

But now, Kari, I the LORD, who created you and formed you, says: Do not be afraid, for I have purchased you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, they will not over flow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. I command you to be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be dismayed, for I, the LORD your God will be with you everywhere you go.

Kari, know that everything will work together for your good, because you love me. You have been called according to my purpose. For I knew you before you were born and I predestined you to be conformed to the likeness of my Son, Jesus Christ. This is your destiny, and this is your purpose, that you become one with my Son Jesus, and thus one with me. I created you in my image so that you and I can express love to each other. The most intimate relationship you can have is with me because you and I are becoming one. You and your brothers and sisters that believe in me are becoming one with Jesus, and thus one with me. You in me, and me in you, together, unified by my love for you. You were designed for this purpose, nothing else will ever satisfy your deepest needs, your deepest desires, only I can. Because you seek to know me I satisfy your heart with love, joy, and peace that only I can give you.

Kari if you should forget me, and enter into sin, and not turn back to Me on your own then I will punish you. Because your sin will separate you from feeling My presence, and My influence, and I want you to return to your first love, the One who loves you. I the Lord discipline those I love, and I punish everyone who I accept as my child. Just as a good Father disciplines His children to turn them away from a dangerous path, so I shall discipline you for your good, that you may share in My holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Kari, When you confess your sins, I am faithful and just and will forgive you of your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. In repentance and resting in Me is your salvation, in quietness and trusting Me is your strength. I will create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you. I will not send you away from My presence, and I will not take My Holy Spirit from you. I will restore again the joy of your salvation, and make you willing to obey Me. Then you will teach My ways to sinners, and they will return to Me also. Humble yourself, therefore, under My mighty hand, that I may lift you up at the right time.

Kari do not forget all my benefits, I forgive all your sins and heal all your diseases, I rescue your life from the pit of destruction and crown you with love and compassion. I satisfy your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. I The LORD work righteousness and justice for all the oppressed; I The LORD am compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. I will not always accuse, nor will I harbor my anger forever; I do not treat you as your sins deserve or repay you according to your iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is My love for you because you fear Me; as far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you.

Kari, call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Always pray to Me about your every concern, pray from your mouth and pray from your heart, I hear every thought that you think. Everything that you care about, I care about also because it concerns you. Cast all your cares and anxiety on Me because I love you. Trust in Me, the LORD YOUR GOD, with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding; In everything acknowledge Me, And I will direct your paths. Do not worry about anything, but in everything big or small, by prayer, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Me, the Most High God. And I will give you My peace in your heart, peace that is beyond all human understanding, and it will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. Always be joyful. Keep on praying always. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is My will for you because you belong to Me.

Kari, Study My Book of law and truth, the Holy Bible, do not let My words depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. My words are Spirit and they are Life. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you will, and it will be given you. For the word of God is living and powerful. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. The most important thing you will ever own is your Bible because it gives you knowledge of Me, The Most High God. It makes the poor rich, it gives hope to the hopeless, faith to the fearful, food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, love to the despised, comfort to the lonely, freedom to the prisoner, health to the sick, light in the darkness, and life to the dying.

Kari I have set up circumstances and situations in your life to cause you to seek Me and find Me. I desire that you know Me. I am The Lord your God, full of compassion, and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, Let not the mighty man glory in his might, Nor let the rich man glory in his riches; But Kari glory in this, That you understand and know Me, That I am the LORD, exercising compassion, lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight and take pleasure.

All things are created for My pleasure and My pleasure is to show forth loving compassion. I have compassion on the poor and needy, and I am a Father to the fatherless, I help them, and I defend them. Far below Me are the heavens and the earth, I stoop to look down, and I lift the poor from the dirt and the needy from the garbage dump and I set them among princes. Kari I want you to do these things also, have compassion on the poor and needy and help them, this is what it means to know Me. For I am Love, and when you live in love, you live in Me, and I live in you. Loving compassion is good, and this is what I require from you, to do what is right, to love compassion, and to walk humbly with your God.

As a father has compassion on his children, so I your LORD have compassion on you because you fear Me; for I know how you were formed, I remember that you are dust. Forever and ever My love is with you because you fear Me, and My righteousness with your children's children; with those who keep My covenant and remember to obey My laws. My law is to love. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments all of My laws are based. When you walk in love you are obeying all My laws. When you walk in Love you are walking in My Holy Spirit for I AM LOVE!

Kari come and live in My shelter, in the protection of the Most High God, you will find rest in the presence of the Almighty. You will say, "This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him." Kari I will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. I will shield you with My wings. I will shelter you with My feathers. My faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished.

Because you Kari make the LORD your refuge, because you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For I order My angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

Kari, My servant, and My friend, whom I have chosen, I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand. All who come against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, for I myself will help you declares the LORD, your Redeemer. You will rejoice in the LORD and glory in the Holy One of Israel.

Kari, when you asked Me to forgive your sins and come into your heart I sent My Holy Spirit into you to comfort you, to give you power, and as proof to you that I have adopted you as My child. The Holy Spirit shall lead you into all truth because He shall testify of Jesus, and He will give you power to testify of Jesus. I will speak to you through My Holy Spirit that is in you, He will tell you what is right and wrong, what is love and hate. My Holy Spirit is a gentle whisper inside your heart telling you the path to walk in. If you walk in My Spirit you will walk in love, you will not sin. And you will see great and mighty things happen before you, they will not be accomplished by strength, nor by outside force, but by My Spirit says the LORD ALMIGHTY. Through My Holy Spirit I shall give you supernatural gifts that you may be blessed, and that you shall bless others through demonstrating My love for them. My Holy Spirit will be with you through out your whole life, and after I will receive you into My glory.

I your LORD say to you I will rescue you because you love me. I will protect you because you trust in my name. When you call on me, I will answer; I will be with you in trouble. I will rescue you and honor you. I will satisfy you with a long life and give you my salvation. Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me. It is your destiny.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

My poor, poor, poor baby.


I can't think about anything right now except her. My sweet and wonderful fuzzy is in the hospital. She needs intravienous drugs, antibiotics, and to have rehydration fluid injected because she can't keep anything down. I feel so emotionally drained. Last night we took her in after she threw up all day - and they did x-rays and blood tests and sent her home with anti-vomiting medicine. Well, it didn't work. She kept hurling.. all night and in the morning, hurling up the meds. So we took her back to the regular vet, who told us she has to go back to the hospital and get an ultrasound done. Now, believe me, this is not as simple as it sounds. There are only a few people around who do ultrasounds on kitties, and aparently they are packed to the gills. We sat in the emergency room for 6 hours and she finally got the ultrasound done. The good news is they didn't see any cancer, and she didn't swollow anything... the bad news is she is having some kidney problems and they still don't know why she is vomiting. I am so sad.

The very sweet vets said she might just need antibiotics to kill any infection, and maybe she will get better. They also gave her some pepcid ac to calm her tiny tummy.

So I don't know what's going to happen. I feel ill. I miss her already. I am so, so scared.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Thanks a lot, shutterstock.

Shutterstock, the website I use for a lot of the stock images I use for ads and logos, doesn't seem have too many images for queer. I understand, you know, there is often a shortage of queer stock photos - but look at some of these suggestions!! Dayyymmm!(Warped, twisted, sick, abnormal, stark-mad, pansy)



Search for 'queer' returned 77 results:
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Thursday, June 01, 2006

partay


I never want to go to social events, ever. Hell, I don't even want to hang out with my good friends most of the time. It feels awkward. I feel awkward. Almost all of the communication I do with everyone is electronic. Instant messages, email, flicker, sometimes phone or text messages, but not very often even the phone. 90 percent (easily) of my social interaction comes from the computer. I am starting to feel more and more uncomfortable in my own skin...

I know this is a bad thing.

My boss asked me at the last minute if I could go to our company's VIP party and take photos. I didn't want too, of course, but some things arn't really as optional as they sound. I had to do it...

So last nigh I thought I was dressed okay. I had on shoes I felt comfortable in - my hair was behaving... my black tee shirt, in my head anyway, was as slimming as I could ask for... and at first I still wanted to puke. Being expected to talk to strangers, and initiate conversations, is one of the scariest things I can think of.

But ya know... it wasn't really THAT bad. Sure it was easier because my name tag clearly told everyone that I'm not just a freak trying to take their picture. Being a legitimate photographer there on legitimate business did lend to my legitimacy.. ;)

Lightning was flashing, thunder roared - It POURED like it would never stop - and the party went on. It was moved from the patio into a covered terrace.. as muggy as hell, no air.. but lots of cute dykes and chatty fags and gallons and gallons of alchohol.

Some people hugged me... I smelled like sweat and cologne by the end of the night. Everyone did. Sweat, cologne, and pineapple martinis... and It felt good.

Very unexpected. I think I am going to try to get out more. It was nice to network a little.. smile some.. laugh.. do all that stuff that humans do. Maybe my electronic life is a little overrated. I suppose semi-sterile relationships of emoticons ;) and cyber (((((hugs))))), emotionally, can only take you so far.