BLAH!
I haven't been blooging much because I feel really grumbly and curmudgeonly. Like, I'm a mess. I don't know exactly why - I mean, I feel just so dumpy and shitty. This weekend I have two family reunions to go to. Part of me wants to go and see my cousins and family I never see, and part of me doesn't want to go because I will have to see my cousins and family I never see. ;) I also have to bring a dish to pass and I'm feeling uninspired. Maybe I will make something weird and 'fancy' and freak them all out.
I do miss my sister. She better not bail.
I wish I could just turn back time to 20 years ago for even an hour. I just wish I could feel okay again for even that long. This whole life is so foreign to me - there is no comfort to be found. There's no one to make it all better.
I know I'm a grownup - and it's my responsibility to make everything better. I need to go to the doctor and let them do a fucking physical. I am saying this in a crazy desperate and weird kinda way - I DONT WANT TO SO MUCH - but I've been playing the avoidance, do what I want, fuck it all game for too long. I need to be a grown up. I need to spread my legs and let her probe me. *sigh*
But I'm scared of what she could say - and I'm scared of diagnostic tests, and I'm scared of treatments. I'm scared of the lecture about losing weight. I'm scared of everything.
Why is life taking this turn? All of a sudden I seem unable to handle simple things. The thought of cleaning the house right now makes me want to huddle in a ball and cry. I don't feel empowered. I don't feel capable. I care, but in this distant and out of control kind of way.
Even right now my thought proccesses are going like this. " do some work ~ I can't.. I don't want to ~ im sad ~ you have to work anyway ~ get your work done ~ no.. must surf or chat or something ~ do your work ~ i don't want to ~ do it anyway ~ no.. i'm sad ~ DO IT ANYWAY! ~ okay i will do one ad, after i blog ~ fine.. then you'll do another ad after that ~ sob. i don't want to ~ DO IT ANYWAY."
I know, I'm certifiably crazy. What can I say.
I do miss my sister. She better not bail.
I wish I could just turn back time to 20 years ago for even an hour. I just wish I could feel okay again for even that long. This whole life is so foreign to me - there is no comfort to be found. There's no one to make it all better.
I know I'm a grownup - and it's my responsibility to make everything better. I need to go to the doctor and let them do a fucking physical. I am saying this in a crazy desperate and weird kinda way - I DONT WANT TO SO MUCH - but I've been playing the avoidance, do what I want, fuck it all game for too long. I need to be a grown up. I need to spread my legs and let her probe me. *sigh*
But I'm scared of what she could say - and I'm scared of diagnostic tests, and I'm scared of treatments. I'm scared of the lecture about losing weight. I'm scared of everything.
Why is life taking this turn? All of a sudden I seem unable to handle simple things. The thought of cleaning the house right now makes me want to huddle in a ball and cry. I don't feel empowered. I don't feel capable. I care, but in this distant and out of control kind of way.
Even right now my thought proccesses are going like this. " do some work ~ I can't.. I don't want to ~ im sad ~ you have to work anyway ~ get your work done ~ no.. must surf or chat or something ~ do your work ~ i don't want to ~ do it anyway ~ no.. i'm sad ~ DO IT ANYWAY! ~ okay i will do one ad, after i blog ~ fine.. then you'll do another ad after that ~ sob. i don't want to ~ DO IT ANYWAY."
I know, I'm certifiably crazy. What can I say.
posted by Kari at
11:02 AM
1 Comments:
we all have our moments......your ok :o)
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