confusion

I don't feel very good about what I'm doing in my life right now. I mean, I went on this quest to make friends and I guess I have, but overall it's becoming a negitive thing. I'm feeling desperate. I'm feeling unsure of myself, of who I am, of whether or not I'm good enough. I'm letting myself conform and I do not want to be a conformist!

I think I really do need a soul searching vacation with just myself, out in a woods or on the road. I need to figure our why I'm being so, i don't know, unlike myself.

I feel like I'm 14 again, and it's sucking as much as it did the first time around.

Fat Girl Blues

So I just got back from my last lunch in a fat girl headspace. I let myself go there one last time. (I'm not going to ad the disclaimers to this statement that are running through my head like "last time my ass" and "last time for now" and "last time, humfff" because fuck that. I'm in control of me... and if I fail I fail, but I'm not gonna set myself up to fail before I even start) The demon of choice was white castle. Two cheesy, greesy, oniony, perfect delicious squares of double cheeseburger yumminess - down the hatch. Along with a big ass DIET coke (of course), and an order of onion petals. Or onion chips, whatever they call them there. I then inhaled a bag of peanut butter m&m's which were designated to be the LAST dessert. I was actually going for the white chocolate m&m's but 7-11 didn't have any. The last hurrah, and it was a doozie.

So, back to my plan-plan. Tomorrow I am gonna haul my ass out of bed and go to weight watchers. I'm going to join. I'm going to get the little pamphlet about how to count points. I'm going to weigh in, even if it takes 4 times for the scale wrap it's head around what's happening to it. I am going it sit in the front row.. and.. TAKE NOTES. I've never done this before, but for some reason I think it will help. I am going to ban the negitive thoughts from my head. I am going to listen and hopefully learn. I am going to take it *gasp* seriously.

I feel like I am ready to let go of the fat. I am ready to be seen. I am ready to rejoin the world. To obtain this I have some work to do...

What I am worried about is letting go of my long time companions, greese and sugar. I have a serious problem when it comes to getting myself under control emotionally. Somtimes I am SO SAD I don't think anything in the world can possibly touch it other than food. Food works for me, in that way. It's comforting, warm, snuggly... It reminds me of a different time when things were okay more often. It puts me into a cozy, calm space. I am afaid to give that up - what am I going to do to find cozy and calm now?

I really don't know.. but I have to try. I have to try and try not to fail. I need to figure this shit out. I HAVE to.

I gotta get out of this fat girl mentality. I have to release it, let it go, move on... send it off into the wild. Whatever. I have to evolve.

I saw a billboard that made me cry. True, it was the day before my period and an hour after watching a really sad extreme makeover home edtion, but it still got me. It said: It's not what you lose, it's what you gain.

Is that fucking profound or what? It feels like whoever wrote that slogan understands being here, in this place of fatness, and has somehow transcended her fat-halflife and is looking back. It sound like she felt the humiliation of trying to slide into a booth that was too small, or wedged her ass into a theatre seat that was made for someone half her size. Maybe she remembers when life was grey and the highlights of her days were the splashes of purple and teal from taco bell runs. Maybe she boogie boards now, or takes karate classes, or sails, hikes, and kayaks her way to enlightenment. Maybe she actually gets it.

Or maybe not.. but I need to 'get it'. Somehow. I need to remember all of the reasons why I need to do this so bad, when I am in my 'fuck it all, gimmie a cheeseburger' state of mind. I need to banish the fat girl exterior and weedle me down. I need to start gaining a life, by losing my cheesy security blanket...

SO. Tomorrow is the big day. I'll be counting points with Cindy and Jeannine. I'll be the nerd in the front with 3 ring binder, taking notes for some insight on how to put down the curly fry and grab life by the ass. I need all the help I can get. Wish me luck!

MySpace Crazy

I don't blog on myspace. On myspace, half the people on my friend's list half know me. Maybe we've met a time or two, maybe we graduated together. Maybe we've never met but think the other one sounds 'kewl'.

On here it's my best friends in the world reading my blog, or else an occasional random stranger who stumbles in. I don't mind sharing ME with either my best friends, or perfect strangers - its the people in the middle I have issue sharing with.

I'm pretty honest on there, real with who I am, but with an incomplete and fragmented brand of honesty. I don't launch into the depths of my psyche - the whole thing is so very thirteen, really. Cutsie surveys and graphics of blood dripped daggers; animated backgrounds where the stars really twinkle; stolen clips of nine inch nail videos.. it's a crazy place that's just enticing enough to lure in even the most square among us.

I've cruised the pimp my profile pages. I've tried to learn how to get around their fucked up tables, but eventually settled for clumsy html overrides. I've even embedded a chat program and sat there waiting for someone to see my page, see the module and text me. Good GOD, talk about torture.

The other night I even contemplated putting up a glitter graphic that says Aquarius, with a blinkie anime girl holding a water jug. (the traditional symbol of the aquarian, with a blinkie sparklie myspace twist)

I've changed my background colors and switched up my top friends about 5 times in the past 3 days.

Myspace is addicting. It's fun. It's filled with possibilites. Never before did I reaize how many fat girl Harry Potter loving lesbians there are out there! I also didn't make the connection between those particular girls and the renassance fair loving chicks, but aparently there is quite a link. These girls also love purple, and scantilly clad fairies graphics with big breasts and embracing wings.

Myspace is a trip; but I think I'll keep on blogging here. It's kinda cozy; kinda warm. It's a refuge from the monsoon that is myspace. I think I love blogger, it's like a blog space to come home to. Ahhh.