Feelin' the crazy.
Last night I sat in my truck and watched an old woman as she stood by her window holding a framed photograph. I saw her stroke it. I saw tears rolling down her face. I saw her draw the photo so lovingly against herself before she placed it back in the window sill and walk away slowly. I saw something private that I shouldn't have saw... yet, I did. And I love that I did. I love that I got to witness something so beautiful & pure. Love. The kind of love that drives someone to caress a photo when they think no one is looking.
I finally understand crazy people. At least, some variations of crazy. I'm not saying that I think I am... because I'm not... but I do get how the mind could go astray from the norm without a lot of provocation outside normal life events. When people started to die on me, there was always so many more people left to make me feel safe and loved. One by one, they went away. I no longer feel safe or loved. I feel alone. And my brain has a hard time with that sometimes. I want to go knock on that woman's door and know her, and hug her. I want to bake her cookies. I want to buy her presents. I want to love her, and be there for her...
like my grandma would have wanted me to be there for her... if she were alive. like my mom would have wanted me to be there for her... if she were alive.
But she's not my grandma, and she's not my mom. She's just a stranger, and I am a stranger to her.
There are so many lonely people, and connections so rare. I don't want to become crazy or weird but damn do I UNDERSTAND it. It's so hard to be okay when nothing feels okay, when everything is just fucking wrong. It's hard to be okay when everything is so far gone.
I finally understand crazy people. At least, some variations of crazy. I'm not saying that I think I am... because I'm not... but I do get how the mind could go astray from the norm without a lot of provocation outside normal life events. When people started to die on me, there was always so many more people left to make me feel safe and loved. One by one, they went away. I no longer feel safe or loved. I feel alone. And my brain has a hard time with that sometimes. I want to go knock on that woman's door and know her, and hug her. I want to bake her cookies. I want to buy her presents. I want to love her, and be there for her...
like my grandma would have wanted me to be there for her... if she were alive. like my mom would have wanted me to be there for her... if she were alive.
But she's not my grandma, and she's not my mom. She's just a stranger, and I am a stranger to her.
There are so many lonely people, and connections so rare. I don't want to become crazy or weird but damn do I UNDERSTAND it. It's so hard to be okay when nothing feels okay, when everything is just fucking wrong. It's hard to be okay when everything is so far gone.
posted by Kari at
3:18 PM
2 Comments:
Also, crazy is just a different version of Normal. Remeber that perception IS reality. To themselves, they aren't crazy, because their perception is different from the mainstream. One reason they say, "Crazy is, as crzy does." is because the normative properties of being emersed in someone elses version of reality makes what used to seem crazy... seem completely normal. The reason is seems completely normal is because it IS completely normal... perception IS reality.
The only people I truely fear are those who are *sure* they aren't crazy. Those are the people who are convinced that their version of reality is the 'right' one.
As Ever,
Pandora
I totally get it. Its how im feeling right now. disconnected.
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