dovey

The sunset the other night made the wet road glisten like it used to
and i noticed, too, the other night, that they still make butter dishes like they used to, too
and just because i don't have one, doesn't mean the don't make them anymore
and the sun it shone the same way through white lace
and casted little shadow flowers on the cupboards like they always have
and the doves, they cooed at me this morning
just like the first doves i remember cooing
and all of this hits me
as peculiar and strange because
i thought all that was gone
out with the bath water
out with the love, out with hope, out with everything else
i stood by and watched melt away

the funny thing is -
or one of the funny things, rather
is that i never thought the past was so darn great
when i was living it

there were things i loved
and things i liked

and things i couldn't wait to break away from

but the things i wanted to escape, i still haven't escaped
they came with me - and they come back at night
or in the day - i suppose some things never do go away

If I could reinvent myself, from scratch
I'd be as free as a seagull
but slightly less annoying

i'd inspire. I'd smile. I'd sing.
So Much More.
I'd be happy. Positive. Always waiting for that new day to arrive to rejoice in it;
spread the joy in it, and to revel in the moment.

I'd remember that every morning there is a moment
when the birds start to sing.
And leaves begin to sparkle and bees begin to buzz,
and that if I am drawing a breath then I AM BLESSED.

I am alive; I am here; I get this gift of life to do what i want with.

I would always remember that the day is new. And the day is fresh.
And the day is filled with possabilities.

I start fretting sometimes long before I should even be awake.
Long before those birds chirp their first chirp I am mourning the losses of what I had and what I could have had.
I mourn for others. I mourn for myself. I turn myself inside out before I see the first break of day.

I wonder if being a millionaire would change it all. haha.. somehow I doubt it.
I can't really see how i would.
Except, I could build a hammock-bed over an indoor swimming pool,
that i have to swing out to each night. And then each day, I could just drop down in the pool from 10 feet up.
How fun is that? How could you not start the day smiling then?

And the whole roof could be skylights
with bird feeders on it. And an automatic cleaning system for the inevitable droppings.
And I could get up and cook myself scrambled eggs with fresh basil and roma tomatoes
and eat them in my boxers, or a terry cloth robe.

I could raise boxes of kittens. I could swim all day. I could have people come visit me
and we'd bbq. I'd have a big, yellow golden retriever girl puppy. Fat and waggily.

Oh that was funny to think of..
and then I'd build my homeless shelter that i've been planning for years.
Right in the middle of Detroit
where people would have their own apartments
the only rules.. no drugs, no crime.

I know there are problems to ideas like that
but problems can be solved.

This dove this morning said to me
cooooooooo cooooooooo
and i said to her.
Yes. Coo coo, as well, too you.