alive

i know im alive
because the pain is relentless
otherwise i wouldnt be so sure
and sure im happy
i lost 32 lbs
and sure im happy
im getting internet installed tonight
in my place
so i can connect when i want to
if there's anyone to connect with
and sure im happy
i can surround myself with the love
of my mom
with the quilt she made me
and sure im
pretty happy that i can just eat
cheese and pop for every meal

but i am so hurt
i feel so hurt
so hurt
so hurt
so hurt

i am crumbling
i am huddled
i am lost in sorrow

nibbler puked this morning
and i almost freaked out
thinking about how i'd have to put her down
if she gets sick again
because my credit cards are maxed out
and we're alone now
just me and nib

and im thinking about putting her down
some cat mama i am

i know things weren't perfect
but there were moments that were
at least for me
but i guess
just for me

i dont like this space im in
headspace i mean
im so sad

so sad.
so sad.