All we've been doing is fighting, until last night when we actually talked. Not that there wasn't some screaming involved, and crying, and hyperventillating on my part.. but at least it was better than just bitching at each other and not listening at all. I woke up in the morning yesterday so pissed off.. then my girlfriend came into the room and didn't say a word to me. I got up and went into the computer room where she was, checked my email and didn't say a word to her. This isn't normal... I was jsut feeling so crazy. Like, if she doesn't want to talk to me, then fuck her. So... I didn't say anything and neither did she. I then left.. didn't say anything, just went off to work.

It wasnt' the best idea. Because then we had to start fighting on Instant Messanger. It sounded to me like she pretty much wanted it over, and I felt like fine, whatever. Who cares. Let it fucking go...


but I did care. I mean, it's all so screwed up. I do care because I love her and want to be with her. The reasons I don't care are so temporary.. like I want to spend alone time with my family or I want to move to an apartment that isn't dirty yet. It's so dumb because I could just clean our house and go see my fam. She wouldn't care even a bit.

She's really quite wonderful, truth be told. I love her for so many reasons. SO.. why then do I have to be an asshole and yell at her for hogging the tivo remote or flip out if she checks her email every 3 hours. I used to too, when I cared about it. Funny how when you changed you want people to change with ya. I used to live on the computer and then I jsut gave it up. I am on at work, and rarly care about it at home.

I'm such a sad sack. I just called hospice and found out when some greif groups were being held so I think I will go to one. I really need help. I am having serious problems with this season and dealing with it all. Our work Chrismas party is tomorrow night and it's ona train, and I don't want to go. I just don't feel like being festive. I feel like sleeping.