taking care

alone. in my truck.
i watch the rain collect on the windshield
distorting the view into a kaleidoscope of muted hues.
more beautiful than drab
but more drab than a crystal clear windshield
on a sunny day at the park.

and then i think.
of course.
that sunny days at the park do happen
but not often. and not without their own issues.
like bee stings and sunburns
or smiling so hard your face hurts.

and then i think.
what it would mean to take care of myself.
and instantly i feel not understood
and isolated. because i can't give up
the one comfort i have.
the few links i have to my past
and the sunny days that get my by.

i'll never feel her arms around me again and i'll never see her eyes
and i'll never get good advise, or bad advise, or advise i don't want to hear
because she's gone.
and its not her fault. and it's not mine. but she is still gone.

and the memories are not gone
of us sneaking away together
to eat at wendy's buffet
or her making me try the surprisingly good combo
of tortilla chips and butterscotch pudding.

and payday candy bars
and york peppermint patties
and la choy out of the can
and shamrock shakes
but not so often...
and chocolate chips on a spoon with peanut butter
more often than not.

and i don't know how
to take care of myself
despite my infinite knowledge of
calories and fat grams and carbohydrates
and how the body works
and why I'm so fucking fat.
despite my knowledge that food is fuel
and eating to live is different than living to eat

despite my overwhelmingly excellent
memory when it comes to how many calories and fat grams
are in any given item
like and ounce of stilton with lemon zest
weighing in at only 95 calories and 6 grams of fat

i don't know how because
nothing else brings me as close to her
or other hers
who left me before.

So I sacrifice one part of me to save another.
And I could lie, but I know I'll do it again, and again, and again.
Because there's only one sense left that I can still connect with
and even the fear of heart disease, diabetes & stroke
doesn't come close to the fear
of leaving their love behind.

the rain is falling down
and today i don't feel like eating
and my tears roll down my face again
and i remember last night
and how sweet it felt
when she understood my pain
if nothing else