release

the thing about flowers is that they will go away
and i know this going into it...
planting them, buying them, anticipating their arrival..
i know going in
their beauty will not stay for more than a few days
they will not stand tall forever
and i love them anyway
maybe even more, really, because the moments they are here
are so so very precious to me

i get so upset when i see something amazing
and i don't have my camera
because i can't save the moment
i can't keep it from ending
i can't stop time
and i try to calm myself, and enjoy it
and live the moment, and feel the moment
and enjoy the moment
because I know each little moment
becomes my life and it will not stay forever
and i will not stand tall forever
and these moments are all i have

but lately i've been living in the past
ancient past, recent past, all sorts of variations of the past
and really all i have is now
and obsessing about mistakes
wishing on stars or trying to manipulate what happened
to justify it all - doesn't work
it's gone, just like every flower I've ever held
or smelled
and just like the past that i'm trying to pull my happiness from

so i need to drop the dried and crumpled bluebell
from my gripped-tight fist
and let it blow and swirl and soar with the wind
away from me, quite possibly
and accept that the moment in time where the dew was still bubbled on the leaves
is gone

because feeling lonely and feeling sad and feeling sorry and feeling bad
doesn't bring anything back
i'd have resurrected a hundredfold if it could
kittens, calves, puppies and people
and the beautiful bluebell, too.