Redefining Kari

I tend to start imagining my next place to live whenever I am anywhere. This new apartment is quite close to the way I imagined it. Except, I didn't want a TV and now I am realizing that I need one for the noise and the distraction. I need one to occupy my mind when it won't shut off. I read a lot, which is nice, but sometimes I need some mind numbing sedation that only tv can provide.

My apartment is pretty sparse, like I had imagined. Mostly just necessities, like I'd wanted. Calming music. Calming colors. Calming trees outside that sway and rustle and are home to many woodland creatures that serve to entertain and pacify both me and Nibbler.

It's pretty much exactly what I'd imagined. A place of calming comfort. And I really really need that now. But now that I am there, I am dreaming again of a new place. A new place that satisfies the needs of the person who I plan to become. Right now is a time of transition. A time for learning and growing and self discovery. When I arrive, I believe I will need a new space. It feels good all of a sudden to think of life like this. Changing. Moving. Kinetic. Change doesn't have to be bad, it can empower.

The new space in my head is also white and wispy with big, open floor to ceiling windows. Hardwood floors, maybe a balcony. And since I'm dreaming, I'd like to hear the ocean.

And seagulls.

And sometimes the wall color changes to hues of blue greens or light yellows or natural, soothing wood tones. A little more modern, maybe, modern plush as oppose to modern cold.

And I want to be a photographer. I want to live in a loft/condo. I want to travel and photograph distant places and people and frogs. I want to eat good cheese and good bread and olive oil. I want to wear cargo pants and tee shirts and sometimes dress up. I want to be gender neutral to the point where I can go either way and not feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin.

It's weird redefining me. I thought my life was set for so long - thought I had made all of my decisions. And now, suddenly, I see that I'm not done living. I don't want anyone to think that these limitations were because of my partner, because they certainly were not. I have always been the captain of my own ship, I just didn't realize it. I was tied by my own mental trappings. I'm starting now to untangle the strings.

I've lost 38 lbs now. That, on a skinny person is a whole lot more than it is on me, but what it means to me is pretty good news too. It means I can go and buy jeans off the rack, and sometimes not even the biggest size they have. It feels better. It's not like I don't have a long way to go, but that's okay. Because I'm here, I'm present, I'm showing up for my life. And I will finish this time.

A big part of me is still the dirty little long haired girl curled up in a straw pile in the haymow. A big part of me is still looking for my momma's leg to hide behind, and is little, scared, and unsure of what to do next.

Another part of me is strong and able and resilient. I need to entice her out of hiding. I need to learn to channel that part of me.

Feelin' Good

I woke up this morning with a new idea. A whole new set of ideas to be exact. Some are random thoughts about what to do with my apartment, some are about the dark grey wool Ethan Allen couch I want to have some day. Some are about how to manage myself and my time. Some are about my friendships. Some are about my relationships that should be less complicated. Some are about needing to go to payless and find some new shoes - but they are all good. It's a new dawn, a new day, and I YES!! I am feelin' good! I have a lot of work to do. I need to weed my garden. Weed my OWN garden for a change! It's Rosh Hashanah - a brand spankin' new year. A time for inflection and rebirth, a time to scrub my skin til it's just like new. From this day forward, I will plant trees that bear healthy, nourishing fruit. I will think before I act. I will ask myself what road will bring me happiness before I walk down that road. I will be honest, or at least, as honest as I can be without reinjuring myself. And I will heal. From this point forward, I will take pleasure from the present, look forward to the future, and learn from my past. Without dwelling in it. Last night my mom hugged me in my dream, so tight. And I sat on the bank of a reed-filled lake eating corn on the cob. And there were koi swimming all around under the blue sky and fluffy clouds.

I will go to my meetings.
I will paint. I will draw. I will take photos.
I will push myself to try new things that nourish my soul.
I will not dwell in darkness. Or the past.
I will work on healing my wounds.
I will be patient with my new self, like I would be with a new baby.
I will sing, dance and smile every chance I get.

Top Songs of the moment...

Sinéad Lohan – No Mermaid

Willie Nelson – Nothing I Can do About It Now

Indigo Girls – All That We Let In

Catie Curtis – Patience

Nina Simone – Feeling Good

Damien Rice – 9 Crimes

Ingrid Michaelson – Breakable

Dixie Chicks – Easy Silence

Iron & Wine – Naked As We Came

Sara Bareilles – Love Song

The Magnetic Fields – I Think I Need A New Heart

Joan Armatrading – Down to Zero

Jessica Andrews – Who I Am

Van Morrison – And It Stoned Me

Malvina Reynolds – Little Boxes

Jo Dee Messina – I'm Alright

Tom T. Hall – I Love

Pink – Oh My God (Feat Peaches)

Indigo Girls – Land of Canaan

The Five Stairsteps – O-O-H Child

Snow Patrol – Open Your Eyes

Indigo Girls – Leaving

Indigo Girls – Prince of Darkness

Fiona Apple – A Mistake

Ingrid Michaelson – December Baby

Sara Bareilles – Between The Lines

Joshua Kadison – Jessie

Willie Nelson – On the Road Again

Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire

Cash & June Carter Cash – 'Cause I love you

Willie Nelson – My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash – Help Me Make It Through The Night

Johnny Cash – Man in Black

Indigo Girls – Moment of Forgiveness

Floyd – Another Brick in the Wall, Pt.

Indigo Girls – Get Out the Map

Johnny Cash – Understand Your Man

Joan Armatrading – The Weakness in Me

Ingrid Michaelson – Starting Now

Shaggy – Keep'n It Real

Willie Nelson – Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

Eamon – Fuck it (Dirty)

Ingrid Michaelson – Die Alone

Johnny Cash & June Carter – No Need To Worry

Johnny Cash – Daddy Sang Bass

Bellamy Brothers – Kids Of The Baby Boom

Cassandra Wilson – Tupelo Honey

Ingrid Michaelson – Around You

bright side

But on the brighter side... it hasn't taken me long to fall back into oooooollllddd habits. Like. I always took all the garbage in my apartment out on saturdays and wednesdays. And this morning I just thought, omg, i forgot to empty the trash cans on wed... I mean, I haven't done that in ten years. So I jumped up, did it, changed the sheets, mopped the bathroom...

feels good to be a little more normal... and a little manic is nice, too... sometimes..

Living in depression and chaos with no rules for yourself... it's bad. Bad for the head, body, heart & mind.

the downsides to this move are there, of course. And the come on strong. but.

this blog entry is about the bright side. And the bright side holds lots of sparkly treasures like:

Listening to music all day long and half the night.
Having time to think.
Having time to be lonely. (makes sense to me...)
Having time to really contemplate life.
Having time to read.
Having time to groom. (heh)
Painting
Journaling
thinking of obscure names for kittens
figuring out what i like to eat for breakfast
figuring out what color bathroom towels i like
having bathroom towels, washcloths, and bodywash puffs
figuring out what to do on my walls
throwing balls for Nibbler to chase
(Nibbler seems way more relaxed)

I wish I could have gotten it together a little sooner... but drastic times call for drastic measures. It's really true. When you can't pick yourself up out of bed in the morning and think of anything worth hoping for, I suppose it's time for a change. A little shake, a little jolt. A little reminder that we're still breathing.

alive

i know im alive
because the pain is relentless
otherwise i wouldnt be so sure
and sure im happy
i lost 32 lbs
and sure im happy
im getting internet installed tonight
in my place
so i can connect when i want to
if there's anyone to connect with
and sure im happy
i can surround myself with the love
of my mom
with the quilt she made me
and sure im
pretty happy that i can just eat
cheese and pop for every meal

but i am so hurt
i feel so hurt
so hurt
so hurt
so hurt

i am crumbling
i am huddled
i am lost in sorrow

nibbler puked this morning
and i almost freaked out
thinking about how i'd have to put her down
if she gets sick again
because my credit cards are maxed out
and we're alone now
just me and nib

and im thinking about putting her down
some cat mama i am

i know things weren't perfect
but there were moments that were
at least for me
but i guess
just for me

i dont like this space im in
headspace i mean
im so sad

so sad.
so sad.