Tunnelvision Blogging
I feel like I've gotten myself in the habit of blogging when I'm about to crash and burn. One of the things that does is give people a very unbalanced view of who I am. The truth is, I blog when I'm very lonely. Sometimes it's when I'm happy or normal but normally not, normally when I'm happy I'm just doing the things that normal happy people do.
Tonight I watched a movie and laughed and cried and had a wonderful night with someone so close to my heart it makes my heart happy to even think of her. Today at work I laughed and joked and danced around while singing the party in my tummy song. When my friends call, I'm as happy as a clam. When my dad calls, I feel loved. When my sister calls I am beside myself with joy.
I'm not always in that place of despair. But when I am, I want to feel heard, so I blog. It's as simple as that. I don't like the idea of calling a friend up when I'm gonna be a downer to them. I don't mind if friends call me when they're down, but if they're gonna slit their wrists I'd rather they didn't call. That may sound cold hearted, but I don't know what to do or say in those situations and it feels like immense pressure for me to pull the right thing to do or say out of my ass.
So my point is.. this is where the crud gets deposited. Out of my mind and onto the page.
I'm not always so miserable. In fact, lately, life has been feeling pretty level. I adore my little apartment. I love having people over to sample my crockpot cuisine. I love my tv with it's high def goodness. I love that Nibbler is fluffy again and purring more often than not. She's a good girl, she deserves a good life.
I'm not manic or depressed right now, and I'm a little on the upper side of neutral. Life is feeling okay.
I appreciate those who have posted their concern - I really do - but please know that it's but a tiny slice of what goes on in my three ring circus of a mind.
Tonight I watched a movie and laughed and cried and had a wonderful night with someone so close to my heart it makes my heart happy to even think of her. Today at work I laughed and joked and danced around while singing the party in my tummy song. When my friends call, I'm as happy as a clam. When my dad calls, I feel loved. When my sister calls I am beside myself with joy.
I'm not always in that place of despair. But when I am, I want to feel heard, so I blog. It's as simple as that. I don't like the idea of calling a friend up when I'm gonna be a downer to them. I don't mind if friends call me when they're down, but if they're gonna slit their wrists I'd rather they didn't call. That may sound cold hearted, but I don't know what to do or say in those situations and it feels like immense pressure for me to pull the right thing to do or say out of my ass.
So my point is.. this is where the crud gets deposited. Out of my mind and onto the page.
I'm not always so miserable. In fact, lately, life has been feeling pretty level. I adore my little apartment. I love having people over to sample my crockpot cuisine. I love my tv with it's high def goodness. I love that Nibbler is fluffy again and purring more often than not. She's a good girl, she deserves a good life.
I'm not manic or depressed right now, and I'm a little on the upper side of neutral. Life is feeling okay.
I appreciate those who have posted their concern - I really do - but please know that it's but a tiny slice of what goes on in my three ring circus of a mind.
posted by Kari at
1:31 AM
2 Comments:
So happy to read what you wrote, Kari. You're smart to get the angst out of your system by writing it down. I do something similar, but usually take satisfaction from printing it out and slowly shredding it to bits with my own two hands. Whatever works for ya!!
Glad you had such a good day. Hope the party was fun, too. Hugs.
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