So on this blog I am just going to spew then. It seems thats what everyone does with their blogs. It's hardly ever about giggles and kittens, so why should I be the one to change all that? My world is so far from giggles and kittens.

My girlfriend and I have been at each other's throats. I feel like she doesn't even know who I am anymore. We've been together 6 years, and right now I feel like we're just going on because there's nothing better to do. Even as I write this it scares the shit out me that she could be reading it.. not because it's not true, but because I fear that it would be the catalyst that will end up with me being alone. And it's not like I'm even afraid of being alone... it's more that I do love her and I want this just to fix it's self. I don't know if it will tho, things generally don't just fix themselves.

One of my big problems right now is that my mom died 5 months ago, and it's terrible. Thanksgiving sucked, the Chrismas season sucks. And it's weird because I go back and forth on that. Sometimes I feel warm and fuzzy about Christmas and at other times it makes me want to puke. I really miss my mom. I'm obsessed about it all. In the shower I get water in my mouth and I think of her, in her last days of life, when I didn't know whether she needed more water or less water because she couldn't talk, and I didn't know if she needed more morphine or less morphine, so I'd give her more... and then I think of the gurgles.. and the sounds her lungs made. And it's bad. It's enough to make me drop to my knees. I think of her all the time. Music makes me think of her. That stupid Christmas song, I'll be home for Christmas. I feel like I don't have a way of going home unless I put a bullet to my head, which I'm trying hard not to do. I will be going to my dad's for Christmas.. and I have family.. but she's gone, and it feels like a third of me is gone. More than that... there is this big EMPTY hole in me. I know it sounds trite, but it feels acurate at the same time. I am obsessed with the fact that she isn't here. Everytime I eat a new food I want to cry that she never got to try it. Trader Joe's blueberry juice. What if I would have bought her some? What if the antioxidants could have made the tumors in her brain just go away? What if it would have taken a combination of foods, like blueberry juice and a granola bar at the same time, and if I would have given her some... it might have happened.. and she might be here right now. These thoughts haunt me. What if there was something I missed? I would give anything to hear her voice right now. I'd give everything I have to have her back.

So I walk around obsessed and sad, ready to bawl at any second, and I know it's a drag for the people around me. I understand this, and don't know what to do about it. My girlfriend says she has no emotional reserves and when she digs down deep in herself she comes up with nothing.. so.. after learning this I started feeling more and more distant from her. Because, I feel like my problem of losing my mom and trying to deal with it is really, really big. It's really hard and I resent that she won't even try to be understanding about something so big.

Thats where I am with that i guess.. walking around in my human shell, trying to find glimmers of light in a muddy haze. Most of the time I think the pain will fade some day, because people tell me that over and over, but it's hard for me to believe when I am being most real with myself. How can it heal that I lost someone who loved me like that, and who I love like that? How can I get past the fact that I have no one who will ever understand me the way she did.

Even when she found out I was a lesbian... she didn't understand it at first.. like she kept asking me why I would want to do that, the physical aspects of lesbian sex... but it didn't take her long to chill and accept it. I was still living at home when some AOL chick broke my heart (all online with a few phone calls mixed in). I stayed in my room for 3 days bawling.. and my mom came in and told me that I didn't need her. That she was stupid and probably a skank... and she was cool about it. And when I did get a real girlfriend, she was cool about her, too.. It's not like I have PFLAG parents ya know.. but they don't harsh on me too much and thats all I asked for. I still say they... it's hard to remember that she'd dead. At the same time it's hard to forget that she's dead.

So I feel really distant from a lot of people right now. I feel pretty distant from the world, to be honest. I look at people living happy little lives and I almost remember feeling like that, but not quite. It's been so long since I've felt like things were going to be okay. 12 years ago my mom got breast cancer, then lung cancer, then brain cancer, then more lung cancer, then more brain cancer, then liver cancer, then another giant tumor in the middle of the brain. She lost most of her sight when they tried to chop it out. She lost her ability to walk. She lost a lot of her memory, it came and went. BIt by bit I watched them chop her apart to "save her".. each time taking more and more of her away on their scapel. I know the last year was no way to live.. but sometimes I'd call and she'd be normal. We'd talk and laugh, and almost forget that she was going to die. We tried to be optomistic, but it's been a long time since I thought there was real reason to hope. Cancer always wins in the end.