Mother's Day

I don't even know what to do with myself today. I realize there is an ebb and flow to the pain - I realize that this is exactly the way humans deal - I know that I am not unique right now. I know Mother's Day is hard and horrible for so many people I know. Lesa, who was my best friend in high school, her mom died of breast cancer a year or two before my mom. Karen, Lester and Joey - my favorite cousins EVER.. lost their mom when Karen was 12, Joey 11 and lester 9. I was 11. It was rough.. I was there, literally, the night my parent's came and told them. Both of their parents were in a car accident and Sharon had to be pryed out with the Jaws of Life. They flew her to Ann Arbor to try to save her but couldn't. The last words she said were asking my mom to take care of her babies. So there we all were, sleeping on couches in the living room, curled together like kittens, when the news came. I knew it before they said it - that kind of news can't be prettied up. Just walking through the door told the story we didn't want to hear.

So many people are living this with me.

Really, so many people...

and so many people who might as well have no moms, because the kind of mother's day I remember was never there for them to begin with.

I had it good while I had it. When I was a kid I'd always take my mom to the school play, which always happened to land on Mother's Day. Actually it was a musical, and normally really cool. Bye Bye Birdie rocked... really they did a great job on every one I'd seen. We wouldn't do things like that, being country bumpkins on all, but we did on Mother's Day.

Then we'd all get together, ya know, the whole family.. and bring her presents and just be with her.
Lots of food, lots of happiness. She really loved the basket I gave her one year, show showed everyone. I took a big wicker basket and put in it bath stuff and a bath robe and slippers. I'm not normally into that kind of thing but I have to admit it was fun - and it looked like a SUPER expensive gift even though I bought everything at Marshalls. No, I'm not saying I was a cheepskate... just saying it looked more impressive in the basket then it would have not in the basket. It looked waaaaay more impressive than if I'd have left it in the Marshall's bag. :}

Anyway. I was thinking of honoring her in some way, today. I thought I'd might clean my house because she'd freaking faint if she saw how I've been living. Then I thought, I dunno, doesn't seem meaningful enough. I thought of eating her favorite candy and then I thought that just sounded mean - like why the hell would she want me eating her favorite candy? Then I thought maybe I should learn to thread my serger, her fancy sewing machine that I inherited, and then I realized I'm no better at it now that the trillion times I've tried since I got it. I don't know how I'm going to learn. I bought it a cute little sewing table at the Salvation Army for $5 so at least it looks cute sitting in the corner. *sigh*

I don't know what I'd do to honor her, really. I wish I lived closer sometimes, because I'd like to start the day bringing some flowers to her grave. It's a 3.5 hour drive round trip tho.. and of course I'd have to spend the day with my dad if I did go.. and I'm really not in the mood for that. At all.

I could garden, but it's raining. And you know, it never was my thing.. so far anyway. I have a suspicion it might kick in later.


So I don't know what to do with myself.. maybe there isn't anything I can do, really. Maybe I will go read my new book about photography and wash some underwear. Maybe it'd be honoring her to be a better me, meaning, a whole me with clean clothes and friends and hobbies and a happy life.. not that I can obtain all that in one day.. but it does make sense, I guess, that living how she taught me to live would be a lot more of an honor that doing things she liked to do. I think every mom hopes their children will grow into happy, considerate, caring, self sufficient adults.

So to honor her what I really should do is smile more, be friendly to strangers, work when it needs to be done, relax when I can, care about baby things, care about adult things, care about growing things, care about pretty things,... and ugly things too. Laugh as much as possible - but not to the point where it's insincere. Capture the moment because it's our most precious gift and it's so VERY fleeting. Capture it in memory - capture it in pictures. Visit with friends. Forgive. Accept things that you can't do a thing about.

That last one I realllllllly need to work on... some things are hard to swallow. Some things are very, very hard to accept.